I don't feel like a whole person. I feel like an entire piece of who I thought I was is just ... gone. Maybe it was never there and I wasn't paying attention. I think that I would have been better off living in oblivion that knowing this now and not knowing how to fix it. Well, the truth is.. I do know how to fix it and it's excruciatingly painful to face.
I have lived my life restricted by what other people thought I should be and do. I am trying to stop being this byproduct of all this influence, rather than a whole person who makes deliberate and intelligent decisions on her own. I want to make my own choices.. for my wellbeing and that of my kids. The rollercoaster of feelings about all of that is staggering. Guilt over feeling selfish.. I'm doing what to my life? And doing it because I'm not over-the-moon happy. Am I being realistic? Do I need to fulfillment in my life? Am I doing this to myself? I can't control anyone else.. only me. And sometimes not me, either.
Very personally, this isn't a 'falling out of love' thing. This is root level.. not being fed. I don't want to completely die.. I don't want to be a bitter old woman who gave up her life for a man who didn't cherish her. Speaking of cherish.. that's what I want. I need so badly to feel like I'm a critical part of someone's life. I want to be loved in the 'never spent a night apart' kind of way. I just don't know if that exists anymore in this fast, crazy, self-absorbed world.
